Fighting the Loneliness

 

As I sit an the couch with my laptop looking out at the blue sky my mind starts to wander. "What are my children up to?", "Do they miss me as much as I miss them?", "I wish I cold have them with me right now" It doesn't seem to matter that the current week on, week off arrangement my ex wife and I have for the school holiday period has been going on for over a year and a half now, I still occasionally get lonely and a little bit down when they are away for more than a few days.

Having had at least one child in the house 24/7 for the 7 years before my ex and I separated it's easy to see why the sudden inability to be able to spend time and see your children whenever you like can be challenging. I can only imagine how much more challenging this must be for the men who have older children and are now alone for the first time in 10+ years.

Here are a few of my favourite things to do when the loneliness tries to creep in:

• Read a book - Helps to take your mind away from the current situation. Depending on what book you are reading you may also be able to better your skills and yourself as a person while you do it.

•  Fix any broken toys or play equipment- The children get a kick out of coming back and finding that the toy or scooter that was broken when they last left is now fixed. It also shows your children you think about them while they are gone.

• Go for a walk/ exercise- Not only will this help you to feel better in the short term it will keep you fit so you can keep up with all the children's games when they return.

• Go out with friends/family- It may seem pretty obvious to some but going out with friends and family doing things you enjoy is a pretty easy way to beat the loneliness and it also keeps you out and about.

Some of these may work for you and some may not, I believe that each man is different and will find different ways to beat the loneliness. I also am aware that some men don't have a close relationship to their children and enjoy the time spent alone, I am not one to judge these men as we all have our own path to walk and every mans decision is his own.

  ABOUT US

Life as a single parent can be hard and frustrating some times. Single dad life is a space where single fathers can come and share their experiences in a safe and supportive environment. 

I myself am a 31 year old divorced father of 3 children aged 3, 6 and 7. I have experienced a lot in my relatively short life time and owe a great deal of gratitude to those who listened and help me through my hard times. I have created this space to share some of my journey as well as provide an opportunity for fathers to discuss their own journeys and tips for raising their children.

I thank you all for joining me and hope the content I provide proves useful to you. 

 

EMAIL: Adam@bestdayswithdad.com

Hide and Seek

 

If you are anything like me you probably enjoy occasionally picking up the matchbox cars your children have left on the floor before pretending to drift them around the kitchen table blessing everyone in the room with your perfect rendition of a turbo and blow off valve.... No? I guess that's just me then. Playing games with children is a great time to bond and work on our relationships with our children but what happens when they ask us to pick the game? Here I will post some of our favourite games to play together. I will also add new games as we discover them.

Please comment the games you play with your children also so others can give them a try.

HIDE AND SEEK-My Least Favourite/The Children's Favourite

As a man who's 6'3 I have very valid reasons to dislike this game. Unlike my children who can disappear into the smallest cupboard or literally become part of the furniture when they hide under the lounge cover, I have very few places I can hide. It's for this reason that I usually nominate or more often than not am told that I will be the seeker. 

The benefits of this are:

• I can delay finding the children (mainly the youngest) who will otherwise be found quickly by her siblings.
• By finding the children I am able to see where they are choosing to hide. This gives me the ability to make sure they are aware if the place they chose to hide is dangerous or "out of bounds"
• Not being able to find a child's hiding spot creates a huge sense of accomplishment for the child. As long as the place chosen was not dangerous or deemed "Out of Bounds" I usually make a big deal of letting them know I'm proud of their hiding efforts.
• Finding my youngest makes me laugh every time. Walking into a room and seeing the sheets moving as she attempts to keep her laughter quiet will never get old. She may have used the same hiding spot 20 times that day during our game but to her there's every chance I won't find her and I love the innocence in that.
  

ALTERNATE WAY TO PLAY

• Pretend to be a monster and take the children to your lair as they are caught. They can be set free if one of their siblings manages to get to them and free them without being found and caught (This can go on for a while) For those with one child allow them not to be found every now and then. Sit on the floor near where they are hiding and pretend to cry. When the child asks what's wrong inform them the monster was just looking for a hug. Also allow them to be the monster occasionally, be sure to escape once in a while for another level to the game.

5 Things I've Learnt During Separation and Divorce With Children

                            

I will be the first to admit that I am no expert in the field of child psychology or a perfect dad in any way. I would not be offended if you read one of my blog posts and decide "This guys nuts" or question "How did this guy have children" What I do have is my own experiences I've lived through and lessons that I have learnt on my journey. In this post I will go through 5 things that I have personally experienced as I navigated my way through separation and divorce from my now ex wife. It may help you or it may not but as one dad to another I hope you find some use from it.

1. Don't talk badly about the children's mother (No matter how annoying you think she is)

You and your child/children's mother are your child/children's  heroes. In their eyes you are their protectors and everything that is good in the world. It may be tempting to get at your ex by bashing her in front of your child but this is not a good idea. This could potentially cause confusion for the child and may even cause them to resent you. Instead I would encourage you to (I must admit I still find this hard to this day) suck it up and have positive discussions about the child/children's mother with them and encourage them to want to continue a positive relationship with you both. After all it is not the child/children's fault you are no longer together. This first point leads into the second.

2. Children are not a thing to be used against each other

Although this was pointed out to me early on after separation I did occasionally find myself falling into this trap. If I remember correctly it was the counsellor I was seeing at the time (I highly recommend counselling even if it's only one session as it gave me a different perspective of the situation) as well as a few men who had gone through separations and divorce who told me that one of the worst mistakes made is treating your children like "things". By this they meant don't use your children to manipulate or try and control your ex. You may be tempted to use your child to gather information about whats happening with your ex or try and play power games by refusing to give you ex access to the child/children. This is not healthy for you or the child and in the case of the withholding it will go against you if you end up in court. Instead it is best to be amicable with your ex and create appropriate lines of communication with them so that your child/children can be raised in a happy environment.

3. Don't compete with or compare your time with the children to that with their mother

Early on in the separation it was like a anything you can do I can do better competition. If she bought the children this toy I'll buy them that toy, she'd buy them McDonald's I'd buy them Hungry Jacks (Burger King is called this in Australia) and this would go on and on with the children loving it because they got all the things. This may seem like not a bad thing but after a while I realised it wasn't sustainable or particularly healthy. I've now discovered that the quality of the time you spend with with your children isn't measured by what you buy them but what you do with them. My son for instance remembers the times I play football with him in the yard or hide and seek with him and the girls much more than he remembers the remote control car i bought him. The girls also consistently ask me to play shops or dolls and barely ever ask for a new toy. If your children are anything like mine they love you because you're their dad and not buying them the best toy or giving them more stuff won't make them want their mother more than you. It's the time spent together doing things they love that counts.

4. Children will try to play you against their mother occasionally

This one is occasionally down right upsetting but usually only happens with my children if they are upset or angry. My best advice is to not play their game and set things straight there and then. The biggest culprit here is my son. If I tell him off or say no to buying takeaway or a toy he will occasionally go into his I want mummy mode. My response is to hang him on the washing line by his ears till he learns his lesson (Just making sure you haven't fallen asleep there) On a serious note I've found the best strategy to counter this behaviour is redirection. I usually suggest to him we do one of the things he usually enjoys such as kicking the football.Once he has settled down we talk about what has happened and why I said no to what he wanted. I also ask him why he wants to go to his mothers as I don't ever want to just assume it's because he didn't get his own way.

5. Be willing to be flexible

This is a very basic concept but one that I guess could be easily over looked. My ex and I don't have a court ordered parenting plan and we share time 43%-57%. The reason I like not having a plan set by the courts is because they don't allow flexibility. If a court order says you have to have the children at their mothers by 4:30pm on a Saturday you have to have them there. Even if you think you and your ex can make another arrangement you are breaching the order and could face action. By working together and staying out of the court system you have the ability to change days as needed and even organise to have the children for different times of the day for birthdays and holidays.

If there is anything you believe could be added to this list or if you have any other points or personal stories relating to this list please feel free to write them in the comments. We are all on a journey together and a lot of the best and most helpful conversations for me were with other men who have gone through separation and divorce with children involved.

Adam

Easter Fun and Games

The Great EGG Hunt

The eggs were hidden and the stage was set. What was about to take place was a battle for the ages between a very handsome, smart, modest and witty man and his hungry children. As I was not going to have the children Easter Sunday (The traditional day the Easter bunny visits) the Easter bunny was kind enough to provide me with eggs to hide.

To make the the game more interesting and to better engage the children (To avoid ants as well) the eggs were hidden inside the house throughout 5 different rooms. Each child had six eggs to find and once they were done they would let the others find the rest of theirs (Or so I thought)

The great hunt began and thunderous footsteps could be heard from the moon as the children dashed off to be the first to find their extremely unhealthy breakfast.

*For the record the eggs were Cadbury as any other chocolate egg is usually an oval of sheer disappointment*

The first place to be "inspected" was the wash basin where I had cleverly but not completely hidden an egg on top of the toothbrush holder. My eldest daughter frantically opened every cupboard door before closing them, she then stared at the egg for 30 seconds before rushing off to see if she could find an egg. My youngest, her sister obviously not trusting her sisters eye sight then followed her exact footsteps before deciding that the egg in plain sight did not exist and running off.

At about the 2 minute mark when no eggs had been found I called my youngest over and told her it was time to brush her teeth. "I don't want to daddy, I want chocolate egg" was the reply I got and to be quite honest I can't blame her. After a bit of hesitation and some more encouragement she decided that she should do what daddy said and was rewarded by finding the egg.

After  that the eggs were found quite quickly although there were a fair few hints dropped especially when my son who's my middle child started to get moody (His sisters kept finding eggs he couldn't) Before long my eldest had found all hers, then my son and lastly my youngest, with the unwanted help of the other two.

All in all it was a very successful hunt. I've found that it's important to engage in these activities even if it's not on the usual day. It gives the children the same experiences with their mum and dad which I believe leads to a happier childhood.

Adam