I will be the first to admit that I am no expert in the field of child psychology or a perfect dad in any way. I would not be offended if you read one of my blog posts and decide "This guys nuts" or question "How did this guy have children" What I do have is my own experiences I've lived through and lessons that I have learnt on my journey. In this post I will go through 5 things that I have personally experienced as I navigated my way through separation and divorce from my now ex wife. It may help you or it may not but as one dad to another I hope you find some use from it.
1. Don't talk badly about the children's mother (No matter how annoying you think she is)
You and your child/children's mother are your child/children's heroes. In their eyes you are their protectors and everything that is good in the world. It may be tempting to get at your ex by bashing her in front of your child but this is not a good idea. This could potentially cause confusion for the child and may even cause them to resent you. Instead I would encourage you to (I must admit I still find this hard to this day) suck it up and have positive discussions about the child/children's mother with them and encourage them to want to continue a positive relationship with you both. After all it is not the child/children's fault you are no longer together. This first point leads into the second.
2. Children are not a thing to be used against each other
Although this was pointed out to me early on after separation I did occasionally find myself falling into this trap. If I remember correctly it was the counsellor I was seeing at the time (I highly recommend counselling even if it's only one session as it gave me a different perspective of the situation) as well as a few men who had gone through separations and divorce who told me that one of the worst mistakes made is treating your children like "things". By this they meant don't use your children to manipulate or try and control your ex. You may be tempted to use your child to gather information about whats happening with your ex or try and play power games by refusing to give you ex access to the child/children. This is not healthy for you or the child and in the case of the withholding it will go against you if you end up in court. Instead it is best to be amicable with your ex and create appropriate lines of communication with them so that your child/children can be raised in a happy environment.
3. Don't compete with or compare your time with the children to that with their mother
Early on in the separation it was like a anything you can do I can do better competition. If she bought the children this toy I'll buy them that toy, she'd buy them McDonald's I'd buy them Hungry Jacks (Burger King is called this in Australia) and this would go on and on with the children loving it because they got all the things. This may seem like not a bad thing but after a while I realised it wasn't sustainable or particularly healthy. I've now discovered that the quality of the time you spend with with your children isn't measured by what you buy them but what you do with them. My son for instance remembers the times I play football with him in the yard or hide and seek with him and the girls much more than he remembers the remote control car i bought him. The girls also consistently ask me to play shops or dolls and barely ever ask for a new toy. If your children are anything like mine they love you because you're their dad and not buying them the best toy or giving them more stuff won't make them want their mother more than you. It's the time spent together doing things they love that counts.
4. Children will try to play you against their mother occasionally
This one is occasionally down right upsetting but usually only happens with my children if they are upset or angry. My best advice is to not play their game and set things straight there and then. The biggest culprit here is my son. If I tell him off or say no to buying takeaway or a toy he will occasionally go into his I want mummy mode. My response is to hang him on the washing line by his ears till he learns his lesson (Just making sure you haven't fallen asleep there) On a serious note I've found the best strategy to counter this behaviour is redirection. I usually suggest to him we do one of the things he usually enjoys such as kicking the football.Once he has settled down we talk about what has happened and why I said no to what he wanted. I also ask him why he wants to go to his mothers as I don't ever want to just assume it's because he didn't get his own way.
5. Be willing to be flexible
This is a very basic concept but one that I guess could be easily over looked. My ex and I don't have a court ordered parenting plan and we share time 43%-57%. The reason I like not having a plan set by the courts is because they don't allow flexibility. If a court order says you have to have the children at their mothers by 4:30pm on a Saturday you have to have them there. Even if you think you and your ex can make another arrangement you are breaching the order and could face action. By working together and staying out of the court system you have the ability to change days as needed and even organise to have the children for different times of the day for birthdays and holidays.
If there is anything you believe could be added to this list or if you have any other points or personal stories relating to this list please feel free to write them in the comments. We are all on a journey together and a lot of the best and most helpful conversations for me were with other men who have gone through separation and divorce with children involved.
Adam
